I've been doing a bible study [ "Stuck" by Jennie Allen] with a couple of dear friends of mine, which by the way has been quite amazing ~ raw, humbling, vulnerable, intense, revealing, but so worth it! Can I just say that anytime we say 'Yes' to an invitation from the Lord to pursue HIM deeper, why are we so surprised when we have to walk through muddy muck to get to the other side!?
It got me thinking this morning as I sat all snuggled up under a warm blanket with a hot cup of coffee in one hand and my study book and bible in the other - why have I been feeling so 'out-of-whack'?!
Well, let's see ~ life seems a little busy right now dealing with a little one with emotional issues OR maybe it's that the holidays are just around the corner and for the first time in 21 years my beloved family of 6 will not all be together [sniff, sniff] OR How about the changes coming my way with a son getting married in just 4 months OR I could chalk it up to hormones, why yes that would certainly account for feeling this way and as a woman I am entitled to pull this one out of the hat anytime something seems awry, right?!
Opening up my journal I see it's been many days since I last recorded an entry and it's then that I realize this feeling is like a train that's been derailed ~ fallen off it's tracks. "Lord, how did this happen", I ask. You ever have that experience (what am I thinking, of course you have; hasn't everyone?) where you are driving down the road and you bend down to pick up _______(dropped cd, piece of gum, chapped stick, kleenex) only to realign your eyes with the road and see you are face to face with another car in the opposite lane?! You swerve at record speed - impulse really - you break into a cold sweat, your heart is racing, you just saw your life flash before your eyes and how long did it take you to do it...a split-second!
Oh how easy it is to veer our eyes - just a glimpse and BAM before we know it we are walking around feeling empty, unfulfilled, lonely, desperate...out-of-whack!
So, I sat and pondered this thought for a bit!
OK, What is the flippin' deal here!?
First, I made a choice a long time ago to live my life as a follower of Jesus, Son of God! Why does life seem like a series of "up's and down's/high's and low's"? I go from being totally on fire for God - walking in complete harmony with Him TO I am a total failure, I can't even go to God with all of my problems - nope, nah-uh I gotta fret, worry and solve them on my own.
It's a hamster-wheel. It's a Yo-yo. It's a repent-repeat cycle. It's rather ridiculous and redundant if you ask me! Yes... yes I know this feeling well - this Y in the road - this quandary I find myself in as I have been here too many times to count - I know this one by HEART!
Frankly, I want it to stop! I am so tired of feeling 'stupid', you know that 'duh' moment you realize that you've not only been here before but that you know what to do and how to stay out of this place and yet you find yourself back here time and time again! UGH!!! If there ever was a calgon moment to take one away, this would be the time.
Kinda fitting wouldn't you say that the title of our study is 'STUCK'! Just a few things from Jennie's book:
"...it was a war. The kind of war that happens inside of you, the kind that nobody sees, God versus me and all my junk."
"I was stuck. I experienced a sense of bondage I could not name and did not know how to escape. The outside of my life was bright and shiny, but the inside was a mess; anxious, lonely, afraid and looking for significance."
"Many of us have known God for a long time - and honestly, we know a lot - but are we living what we believe?"
"I believe we miss the freedom God promises because we do not live as if His words need to be applied to our lives."
I clearly am a work in progress! I am so thankful that I am not done yet because frankly there are some things I would really like to work on perfecting before my time is done! I may very well know this road 'by heart' as clearly I have walked, ran, jogged, crawled it before but I am forever thankful that God knows my heart, by heart!!!
God is GRACE!
"Every assignment is measured and controlled for my eternal good. As I accept the given portion other options are canceled. Decisions become much easier, directions clearer, and hence my heart becomes inexpressibly quieter. . . A quiet heart is content with what God gives." Elizabeth Elliot - Keep a Quiet Heart
